When co-parenting, it’s essential to maintain a gentle and amicable relationship with your ex-partner. This entails setting boundaries, a certain level of mutual respect, and clear communication. These things are challenging when dealing with a narcissist. Before delving into co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s crucial to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exhibit an exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, coupled with a lack of empathy. Consequently, they struggle to form healthy interpersonal relationships. Characteristics of this disorder include a lack of security, empathy, and a need for attention and admiration. Those with NPD lack self-awareness and refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing. They tend to blame, manipulate, and exploit others emotionally, mentally, verbally, and/or financially. Narcissists often inflict long-term harm on the lives of those closest to them.

What Co-Parenting with a Narcissist Looks Like

Exploiting Children

Narcissists often use children as pawns, intending to hurt, control, or intimidate the other parent. They prioritize themselves over their children and disregard the impact of their actions. For instance, they may schedule activities for the children on days when you have plans or when the children are unavailable, then blame you when things go awry. Alternatively, they may show little interest in seeing the children until suddenly reappearing, expecting gratitude and attention.

Lack of Respect

Narcissists typically exhibit arrogance and self-centeredness, even towards their own children. They criticize, blame, and envy you and their children, showing little respect for your boundaries or those of your children. Their involvement in your and the children’s daily lives and commitments is minimal, only showing interest when it suits them or inconveniences you.

Lack of Cooperation

Narcissists often refuse to cooperate or communicate clearly, making discussions about important matters concerning the children difficult. They may ignore court orders or attempt to engage you in power struggles, frequently placing the children in the middle of disputes or manipulating parenting agreements.

Significant Occasions and Events

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be exceptionally challenging during holidays and significant events. Individuals with NPD often go to great lengths to disrupt your special occasions and important activities, with little concern for the children’s well-being.

The Impact of Narcissists on Children

Post-Separation Abuse

Narcissists frequently engage in post-separation abuse, continuing to mistreat and attempt to control you and the children, even after the romantic relationship has ended. This may involve harassment, unwanted communication, threats, intimidation, tracking, economic abuse, or disruptions to your daily life.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Co-parents with narcissistic tendencies may use manipulation and gaslighting techniques to control narratives and undermine your credibility, causing confusion and emotional distress to the children.

Parental Alienation

Former partners with narcissistic traits may attempt to turn your children against you, a phenomenon known as parental alienation. This involves strategies such as speaking ill of you, making false accusations, or creating rifts between you and your children.

Parallel Parenting

Co-parenting with a narcissist is a difficult and frustrating task. Understanding the nature of narcissists, who will go to great lengths to cause inconvenience, stress, or emotional pain, is essential. Parallel parenting can be the best strategy to mitigate the extremes of a narcissistic ex-partner. It involves setting strict boundaries, limiting contact, and keeping interactions brief and focused on practical matters. The goal is to protect children from the emotional turmoil and manipulation often caused by narcissists while allowing both parents to remain involved in their lives. The children’s well-being is the primary focus of parallel parenting.

Key Considerations for Parallel Parenting

Do Not Attempt to Change the Narcissist

Accepting the reality that the narcissist cannot be a better parent or person—and that they won’t accept any such attempts—is crucial. When they show you who they are, believe them.

Maintain Accurate Records

Keep organized and easily accessible records of legal agreements, court orders, and agreed-upon terms. Document your interactions and conversations. For example, keep records of text messages, emails, and times when they pick up and drop off the children.

Establish Legally Binding Agreements

Develop clear parenting plans outlining all necessary logistical arrangements for parallel parenting. This should be treated as a contract. Detailed descriptions of all aspects in legally binding documents reduce the narcissist’s ability to manipulate situations. For instance, issues such as medical emergencies or school matters may require detailed and frequent communication. Legal agreements ensure mutually agreed-upon protocols for handling these situations.

Prioritize the Children’s Best Interests

Compromising, letting go, or reconciling with your ex-partner can be challenging—especially when dealing with a narcissist. However, you must do what is best for your children. This may involve altering plans or not engaging with your ex when necessary. Try not to view the situation through the lens of your negative emotions towards your ex.

Additionally, avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner in front of or within earshot of your children. Strive to avoid conflicts with the narcissist in front of your children. Refrain from using your children as messengers between you and the other parent. Avoid asking your children for information about your ex-partner as much as possible. Protect them from negative and toxic influences.

Maintain Boundaries

Reinforcing healthy personal boundaries is crucial in all aspects of our lives, particularly when dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner. Clear and firm boundaries with your narcissistic ex are essential. They will resist them as others’ boundaries do not concern them. For example, they may show up at your home under the guise of seeing the children, attempting to test your limits and tolerance. If boundaries are crossed, disengage by walking away or not responding to confrontations or intrusive texts.

Minimize Communication with the Narcissist

Once you are no longer together with your partner, you can adjust the level of interaction with them. Parallel parenting involves limiting topics of discussion with them to matters concerning the children. Keep them informed of important dates, updates on health, and logistical information related to them. Keep your responses brief, polite, and devoid of any emotional color.

Be Polite and Non-Emotional

Although challenging, strive to maintain politeness, calmness, and neutrality when interacting with the narcissistic parent. Do not let them think they have triggered or angered you in any way. They seek emotional responses from you. If you give it to them, they will repeat the behavior because they know it bothers you. Maintaining this emotionally detached, polite demeanor towards the narcissist is also known as grey rocking.

Consistently maintaining this requires practice, as narcissists thrive on conflict, hurting others, and tension. It may take a long time for them to stop being rude, provocative, or attempting to draw you into conflicts. However, if you continue to respond in a neutral and calm manner, they may eventually realize that you no longer provide any narcissistic supply. Focus on parenting your children instead of taking on the responsibilities of the other parent.

Before sending emails or texts, read them through. Ensure there is no incendiary content or anything the narcissist can use against you later.

Take Care of Yourself

Attend to your physical and mental health. Engage in activities you find relaxing and enjoyable each week. Get adequate, quality sleep, and maintain a nutritious diet. If you need more support and guidance, consider reaching out to mental health professionals. Therapy for anxiety or individual therapy can provide you with coping tools. Additionally, children may benefit from child therapy.

Establish a support network of friends and family. Reach out to them for help with your children and to build healthy relationships. Reliable allies can help mitigate the negative effects of co-parenting with a narcissist.