Family therapy can be an excellent tool to help families reconnect during times of stress or transition. However, many parents may hesitate due to the age of their children, wondering if they are old enough to learn anything from such an experience. In this regard, I’d like to share my perspective as someone who started family therapy at the age of six. At 22, I can confidently say that the experience of therapy has profoundly changed my relationship with my family, and I believe it can help yours too.

The Five Stages of Divorce

My parents divorced when I was eight, and my sister was six. A lot happened during this time, starting with them announcing their decision to divorce. I remember feeling confused about what divorce meant and immediately had questions about where we would live and why this was happening. My parents explained everything as gently as possible, but truth be told, they didn’t have all the answers. They allowed my sister and me to voice our opinions on the schedule. Because we were so young, we switched houses often—almost every other day—and agreed to call the other parent every night before bedtime. This helped us stay connected as much as possible.

The next stage of divorce involved moving. My dad moved in with my grandparents while he sorted out his living situation. Eventually, he got his own apartment and installed an exciting bunk bed in the room my sister and I shared. Months later, my mom also moved out of our old house as downsizing made sense. Having separate living spaces was helpful—dad’s house and mom’s house were clearly separate. Our parents helped us decorate our rooms and made sure we had everything we needed during the transitions.

About a year and a half after my parents officially separated, my dad decided to involve our family in counseling. This marked the next significant stage of our divorce. Here, we began unpacking many emotions that surfaced during the transition period. For me, these emotions included confusion, fear, disappointment, and sadness.

In the fourth stage of divorce, being with divorced parents became a normal part of my life. It took some time to get there. I reached this stage about three years after the initial separation. By then, I was comfortable sharing that my parents were divorced. I had gotten used to switching houses. I felt comfortable with divorce being a part of my life history, comforted by my parents’ ability to navigate the divorce stages in their own lives. They managed to regulate their emotions, co-parent calmly, which made me feel secure in the new family dynamics.

Years later, the final stage of divorce occurred. As I entered high school, my schedule became busier. Juggling multiple extracurricular activities made it challenging, especially when switching houses every other day. I discussed the need for some adjustments to the schedule with my parents. They heard my concerns, and we transitioned to a one-week-on, one-week-off pattern, which felt more suitable for my stage in life. This helped me gain more one-on-one time with each of them, reducing the need to lug textbooks, papers, and sports gear every day. I’m grateful they met me where I needed them.

Implementing Therapy Decisions

This suggestion came from his then-girlfriend—now my stepmother—as she also grew up with divorced parents. She found processing counseling experiences as an adult helpful and believed it wise for all of us to have real-time space to process things together.

My dad went into therapy with two main goals: learning to be an effective single parent and learning to help us navigate the emotions of divorce while managing his own. The therapist was there to support him through these changes. Eventually, my mom also joined sessions, allowing us to explore what it means to be a family with unmarried parents.

What the Sessions Were Like

The therapist often used play therapy—discussing things with me while I colored or played with toys. She also read books aloud about the different stages of divorce, facilitating discussions. She helped me understand that divorce happened because of the breakdown of the relationship between mom and dad, but it didn’t mean they stopped loving each other or us—it was a difficult but crucial concept to grasp at a young age.

During family discussions, we often took turns talking about our feelings, and our therapist would list what we discussed on a big poster board. This way, we could take it home and continue the conversation throughout the week. The list helped us understand our goals and their importance.

Open Communication

My parents were open to what they gained from therapy. This also helped me get used to pausing and reflecting on what I’ve learned. My dad quickly applied therapy skills to help us recognize the importance of what we learned in therapy. For example, whenever we talked about conflicts, we would lie in a triangle on his bed because he learned in therapy that it’s essential for everyone to be on the same level physically when resolving conflicts (i.e., if one person sits down, everyone should sit down). He also checked in on how we felt about therapy, so we could practice expressing our true feelings about the experience. He even summarized the skills used to navigate the divorce stages to help us cope with other life challenges, such as academic issues or communication barriers.

The Impact of This Experience on Me Now

Family therapy helped my family establish a solid foundation for open, loving communication. Today, when I seek emotional support from my parents, I feel confident because, over the years of family therapy, they’ve learned to listen and validate my feelings. Our relationship maintains a warmth that would likely have faded without therapy, as therapy techniques have largely shaped our communication. We’ve proven that we can navigate divorce stages together healthily, which also enables us to weather other transitions.

Additionally, as our family grew with the addition of a stepmother, stepfather, and three new stepbrothers, we’ve been able to maintain the same openness in our family. Over the past fifteen years, we’ve built a larger, more loving family because we welcomed new sources of love and connections into our lives. These conflict resolution skills have helped us present ourselves to each other in a loving and fulfilling way.

Introducing Family Therapy to Your Family

Explaining therapy to young ones at home can be challenging. Letting your kids know you’re going to see a special doctor who can help you talk about your big feelings might help. It helps them understand that they’re seeing a professional, which instills trust in the relationship, and that they have a safe emotional space, which prepares them for the first meeting. You can also let them know these will be regular appointments and part of the routine for that space.

I suggest trying to make this experience as fun as possible using positive reinforcement. Talking about emotions can feel overwhelming, especially at a young age. Fun family activities might help your kids relax after experiencing all that stress. For example, you could use group activities to help transition your child from the therapy environment to the typical family environment. This might mean having ice cream together after therapy, going to the park, or watching their favorite show together.

Key Points

Divorce has multiple stages that may vary depending on your role in the family. Engage in open communication to help your family navigate these stages.

Family therapists are trained to provide therapy techniques suitable for each client’s age, helping everyone gain maximum benefits from the experience.

Family therapy can help families address any type of conflict or challenge, such as divorce, moving, grief, or any other issue affecting the entire family.